I said goodbye today….

My friend, Jose…I met her eight years ago this June.  I answered an ad looking for a bookkeeper for her son…scheduling the interview Dan told me his mother was just diagnosed with cancer.

For the next two years I was at her place every Thursday doing Dan’s bookkeeping…watching her go up and down with treatment…eating healthy…because she was eating healthy…and cheering as she beat colon cancer…and was off to Mexico to celebrate.

Over the next year or so, I slowly dropped clients as it was getting too hard for me and…three years ago, it was Dan’s turn.  I remember sitting in the office with Jose while she cried, “I’m never going to see you again”.  I put my arms around her and gave her a big hug telling her, “Of course you will…I am dropping Dan not you!”.  We talked her and Ken into joining our RV club and we started seeing them with us at various campgrounds and rallys.

Jose never seemed to recover from the cancer…part, I still believe to PTSD.  She was so focused for so long on beating cancer that, when it was all done….silence.  She tried volunteering at gardens and other places, different kinds of anti-depressants, different kinds of therapy and was unable to shake the depression or to recover from the side-effects of chemo. 

Turns out it was much worse….we lost her in April to ALS.  There is nothing more infuriating or frustrating than to lose a friend to another disease when she fought so hard and valiantly to beat the first one.   She didn’t lose me…I lost her.

When I was diagnosed with cancer…I thought right away of Jose…she would get me through this…I would be okay with her and Ken’s help…they did it for her…they would do it for me.  She is not at my side…she is not a phone call away…she is not here…today, we said goodbye.

I have felt a steady pressure on my right shoulder since she passed away…I know it is her.  I know she is with me…when I start to leak or get down…I feel the squeeze and I know her….Jose is with me.

Murphy seems to have taken a holiday too…don’t miss him!  Saw my family doctor to update her as I have been dealing with surgeons, oncologists and specialists and not her lately and to just touch base.  I got the results of all the final tests…amen!

Reminder….when I had the PET scan they found a “hot spot” in my pelvic area and recommended further testing….ergo, ultrasound (pardon me…vaginal ultrasound).  Since I was having a CT scan of the chest, abdomen and head my doctor had the oncologist tack on pelvic area.  Got the scan results yesterday…head is clear (no jokes…glad the cancer has not spread to the brain!) and the “hot spot” in the pelvic area shrunk from the PET scan to the CT scan…not cancer…probably just a cyst that my body is taking care of by itself.

Hydration with a anti-nausea booster this morning (one more to go)…said goodbye to Jose and now I am going to go lie down.

Still swimming…tearfully…but, swimming.

 

8 Down…22 To Go…

Saturday, my brother and sister-in-law surprised me with a “sleepover”.  Had an awesome visit with lots of hugs, breakfast Sunday and they were off. 

The rest of the day found me flat on my back….dizzy and nauseous.  Tooks pills for the nausea and made the dizziness worse…acid reflux and major, major heartburn…followed by acid diarrhea.  Ok…I am not impressed.  I try to sit up to help the heartburn and I get so dizzy I have to lay down…ring around the rosy!

Monday I go in for radiation and I can’t eat anything or drink anything and the world will not stop spinning.  Tuesday I go in for radiation and still not eating or drinking so…I beg my chemo oncologist for help.  I have to go to the Chilliwack hospital for lab tests and by the time we get back home the doctor suggests coming into Abbotsford for hydration.  Too late in the day so Wednesday after radiation I go upstairs to General Daycare and they hook me up to a drip.  Still too much heartburn so I get him to prescribe Nexium…took one right away and again Thursday morning….oh gawd…no more heartburn!  Oh yeah, acid diarrhea stops too!  Poached eggs on toast tasted awesome!

Thursday, still dizzy and nauseous so he prescribes an IV drug to go with my drip…into radiation and upstairs for my second hydration…this time with a booster.  First time since Saturday I have felt human and wanting to eat anything.  Some glitch in the system and my order pills for nausea didn’t make it to the pharmacy.  Oh well, I will see how I feel in the morning.  Oops…spoke too soon…deep rumbling in my ear like my ear is full of water and my taste buds are gone…eat a handful of peanuts…yep…no peanutty taste…no salt…yuk!

Friday…little to no dizziness…no nausea…no heartburn…eureka!.  Into radiation early this morning…off to hydration where it takes forever….my line broke and I have to wait for a nurse to drill another hole and re-hook me up.  In the meantime I am sipping on a Chai Tea Latte and eating a blueberry scone…heaven!  And…I can read…for the first time since Saturday I can look at a computer screen or my KOBO.  Ear is hearing a bit better but taste buds are still shot…oh well, eat the stale tuna fish sandwich…can’t taste it anyway.

Did one lap around the complex when we got home…waiting to go see my GP and touch base with her today…first time I will have seen her since diagnosis…the sun is shining.

Swimming with a smile…come on in…water is warm!

 

I made the class……

Wednesday we started chemo and radiation.  I felt pretty good afterwards…high energy…did three loads of laundry…put the bed risers on our four-poster bed…and looking pretty good…ate Chinese food for supper.

1:46 in the morning…massive heartburn and acid reflux.  Feeling pretty crappy so I took a Zantac, ate some Tums until the pills kicked in and took one of my “backup” anti nausea pills.  It took about 1/2 hour before everything kicked in and I could bet to sleep.

Tuesday…another round of chemo in the morning…leisurely lunch in the cafeteria…radiation around 1:00 and still feeling pretty good.  Got to the car and felt like I hadn’t slept in a week…soooooo tired.  Came home and napped most of the day.  Ate leftovers for supper and still feeling tired…so went to bed.  

1:46 in the morning another severe heartburn/acid reflux night.  Same pills…same time to get it calmed so I could sleep.  On top of that…I forgot to take one of my anti-nausea pills before chemo…that didn’t help.

Yesterday, Friday…last day of chemo in this session (thank God).  Super tired from the radiation…went to bed early last night…took Zantac before bed…took “backup” pills and slept most of the night.  

Woken up early with diarrhea all over the bedroom…not me!  Abby!  She had a skin tag on her eyelid and spent the night at the vet getting it removed.  I guess she should not have eaten supper when she came home!  So…at 6:20 in the morning Rick is using the carpet shampooer to clean our bedroom.  Tonight she sleeps in the bathroom!
I felt pretty good when I woke up…took my normal anti-nausea pills plus I got to take the big boy booster I missed on Tuesday…loaded up my stuff and I was off to class. 

Terry Medaris is from Arizona and my local craft store, Be Creative Rubber Stamps talked him into coming up here and teaching us techniques using Prismacolor Art Pencils. 
His use of colors and Southwest influence make his artwork and stamps extremely vibrant and so much fun to color.  Part 1 was techniques with shading etc. and Part 2 was to tranfer that ability to creating jewelry.  I haven’t finished mine yet but, I now have homework to keep me busy.  

I am so glad I made the class…don’t know how I drove home but I arrived…had a bowl of cereal for supper and now I am ready to sleep.

Right now…we continue treatment with radiation Monday to Friday.  We start another round of three chemo treatments on the 11th.  I will probably post again after I have talked to the chemo and radiation oncologists.
Can’t see too straight right now…going to bed!

Swimming again the tide lately…but, still swimming.

Day 1 of 30…29 more to go!

Started the morning getting up early as chemo was at 8:30…didn’t get much sleep…not because of worrying…but, because…after so much fluid yesterday all I wanted to do was to pee!

Got to chemo and met Barb and the rest of the staff (the staff at BC Cancer in Abbotsford are the best).  We did our morning check-in, went over all the pills I have to take and then she hooked me up to the IV drugs (one drips for 1/2 an hour and the other drips 45 minutes).   As soon as the needle went in and the nurse ordered the chemical cocktail from the pharmacist…reality hit.   I started to “leak” and Barb patted my hand and told me it was okay to “leak”…in fact, it was okay to down right bawl my head off (haven’t done that yet).  I told her about Talia and Ellen and Dory and I played Just Keep Swimming for her (I have it on my phone) and I felt better and sucked it up and got pissed off!  Mind you…it really is hard to be pissed off when every 10 minutes you are going  to the bathroom.  I spent more time there than I did in my comfy chair!  I still managed to visualize the cancer shrinking.  In fact…when I told Barb about Dory she said she had a patient who stared at the drips.  When Barb asked her why…she said she is visualizing thousands of Pacmans racing to destroy the cancer…I now have Pacman on my phone!

Chemo over around 11:30 and radiation doesn’t start until 1:15… so we headed over to the cafeteria to have some lunch…I ate healthy…salad bar…they had no black olives or baby corn though!  We both brought our Kobo’s and read for a bit then headed out to the lounge where it was more comfortable until it was time to go down.

Down to radiation and they load me into my personal bed (aren’t I special!) and the techs took an x-ray to ensure placement and the big machine went around and around getting it right…and…then she came and got me….”Hello, are we done?”.  It was over so fast I didn’t have a chance to visualize anything…oh well, next time.  I did feel really awkward on the bed and I asked if I was straight and the tech said…nope.  Off to the chiropractor on Friday for a hip alignment!

So far…no side effects.  I had a bit of dry mouth but sucking on a mint took care of that.  I was developing a headache and my chest area hurt like hell…cancer didn’t like the chemo or the radiation…too f*cking bad!  Feel free to leave if you don’t like it!  Took my temperature twice over an hour…no fever…hello pain pills.  I have to be really careful taking anything while on chemo…so many side effects.   “Excuse me?  What do you mean chemo can bring on menopause again?”.  Hello hot flashes…not really impressed…I was almost finished with those babies.  Rick thinks this is funny…wait until I unpack my fan again or crank the air conditioning.  He thinks the ceiling fan is enough in the bedroom…grab a heating blanket buster!

Basically….today was not nearly as bad as my imagination.  We had Chinese food for supper…went for a walk with friends and did three laps around our complex (2.2 kilometers), and did three loads of laundry. 

I feel pretty damned good…tomorrow in another story!

Just keep swimming.

 

 

And so it begins….

Today started the ball rolling….woke up early, got blood tests, went for chest x-rays, met Mike (baby son, sorry…but you are the baby) for coffee, off to the auto repair to book new windshield and get body damage fixed (stupid semi kicked up some metal on the road and it whirled into our car driver’s door)….phew…then off to the hospital for more CT scans.

Had to mix iodine with 500 ml water…ugh that tasted like crap…nothing to eat after supper and only clear liquid until the test at 2:45, had to drink 750 more ml at 1:45…and then the nurse gave me another glass of water to drink…starting to float away.  At least with this test I got to pee…and pee…and pee!

Ct scan of pelvic area, abdomen, chest and head done…now I can eat.  Our anniversary is tomorrow so we had date night tonight.  Went to Swiss Chalet for ribs and then over to see Godzilla 3D…awesome.  Rick was bored as usual but, what does he know!  Now it’s time for bed.

Tomorrow we begin…chemo first thing in the morning followed by radiation…the same thing for Thursday and Friday.  Really nervous about the side effects.  Also nervous about other things…like…should I be doing something besides the chemo and radiation?  I am being told about integrated treatment with large doses of vitamin C…hypothermia treatments etc .  Are they “snake oil” treatments….no medical documentation of them working?  What happens if I don’t do them…what happens if I do?  Questions…questions…questions.  I guess I will talk things over with my doctors tomorrow and go from there.

No matter what…I am swimming!

Today….

Today was a better day…lots of hugs and love.  I am back!

Just keep swimming.

Not my favorite day….

Not in the mood to feel perky…not in the mood to be witty…not in the mood to be cheerful…just not in the mood!  I know family and friends and strangers are reading this blog.  This blog is not just to keep you all updated…I started it as such but, now it has become a release valve. I need to write about this…I need to put into writing my feelings, my fears, my hopes.  Days are going to be tough…I am not always going to be upbeat and laugh and joke.  Today is one of those days.

I had myself all psyched up for chemo and radiation to start on the 26th.  I have a CT scan scheduled for the 20th and I figured everything would be set up to start on the 26th…nope.  I had plans…nope.  There are things I need to do before it starts…nope.

Chemo and radiation are starting on the 21st…a Wednesday.  So…Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I am getting chemo and radiation combined.  One of the side effects is nausea and vomiting etc.  I have been waiting and waiting months to take a course using my art pencils by a fabulous teacher from Arizona…now I may not be able to take the class.  I had it all figured out…I was ready…I was going to get the test…do my class and then start treatments…I was ready…now I am not.

I have been struggling all day trying not to break down and just bawl my head off.  I am not ready to start treatments on the 21st.  This isn’t what I had planned on…it isn’t working out the way I had readied myself for. 

I was so positive and upbeat and psyched up for everything to start on the 26th…I was ready to kick cancer’s butt…I feel cheated.  I feel kicked in the teeth…I feel reality is closing in and I am not ready.  I just want to curl up into a little ball…pull the blankets over my head and hide.

Today I am crying.  Today I am sad.  Today I am upset.  Today I don’t feel like swimming. 

Tomorrow I will.