Saturday, May 23, 2015

Alrighty then.....

Went to Quesnel for dad's was really touching and he would have liked it...right down to the honor guard from the Legion (dad was a vet).  On the drive there I was feeling pretty down and one thought was that I would not be getting a birthday card this year.

Later that night...the family and close friends were gathered around in dad's "man cave" toasting him and reminiscing about dad and just being together.  My stepsisters and I were going through some of dad's photos...seeing which ones we wanted and...there was an envelope with my name written on it.

I opened up the envelope and it was a signed birthday card from dad and my stepmom.  I guess sometime ago he couldn't find the card and sent me another one.  Later on, this one showed up and he put it got my birthday card from him this year after all!!  I had a good cry when I officially opened it up on my birthday and it is now on my bookshelf where I can see it all the time.

Something else we had written out the words to Amazing Grace and I think it was my niece who found it and a last minute change to his funeral where we had Amazing Grace played...I wish I had known ahead of would have been more poignant  I think...mind you I was a mess to begin with that day and it could have made it worse for me.

So....chemo....fourth one at 100% and I was flat on my back.  First time in a year that I ended up being sick to my stomach too...not impressed.  Had the treatment on Wednesday...then over to Fort Langley for the LRHT treatment.  Back to Fort Langley on the Friday....rough day...and then again on the Monday.  All I wanted to do was sleep!  I go to bed...stay in bed until noon...go back to bed again at 11:00...sleep until noon....I did this for almost two weeks.  Seems like I never got my energy up and back to the hospital on the Monday for blood work and the meeting with Dr. Keith.  My neutrophils were just over 1.0 and we need them over 2.0 before he will consider another chemo treatment. 

He really needs to work on his bedside manner...I have nicknamed him "Dr. Doom & Gloom"....nothing positive from him....talked about quality of care etc. like I am going to die in the next couple of days and there was no point in having chemo....then..."If it was me...I would have the fifth treatment".  Like come on!  Where is the positive attitude here?  Xrays show the cancer is stable right changes...awesome!  I walked away so down and depressed I had a really, really hard time finding anything to feel positive about...almost made me want to give up.  On top of sinuses are going nuts from the chemo and constantly draining which makes me cough which makes my sinuses drain...vicious circle...give me a break!

We are also lowering the dosage back to 80%.   I hate this...I hate cutting back the dosage because I feel I am letting myself down and not giving myself the best chance to fight the cancer. 

Back to the hospital on Wednesday for blood work and my levels have gone from 1 point something to over 8...wicked!  Dr. Parma (naturopath) says this is rare for someone to bounce back so strongly.  Yeah...on paper it says I am doing so good but, my energy levels are tanking....I haven't walked in ages...I can't seem to be upright without almost passing out.  Almost three weeks without walking...feeling too crappy to drink Chaga tea and feeling guilty because I am not drinking it...not wanting to eat....upside is losing weight.  I started way overweight for my height and age group anyway so...lots of room there to do so!

Do the fifth chemo and off to Fort Langley where Kim is my nurse...God bless her...she is so bubbly and upbeat with hugs that my downness (who cares if it is not a word) goes away and my mood is up, up, up.  Also, I find on the internet, "I don't know how my story will end, but nowhere in my text will it ever read, I gave up"....just what I need.  Friday and Tuesday back to Fort Langley for LRHT treatments.

I am tired...sleepy...drained just over a week I am upright!  I made it out the door today for the first time (other than chemo and treatments) in almost two months to have coffee and cookies with my friends....I even made two cards yesterday!!!  We have a week and a half to go until my last treatment and then the CT Scan to see where we are at...and I feel good...I may even get out for a walk.  On top of that...I see my daughter and SIL tomorrow for a visit on their way to the island to pick up the kiddies...then back here on Friday for the weekend and I get my grandkids fix...yippee!

Das it....swimming....