Here we go….

Chemo finished on Friday…feeling so damned crappy…tired…nauseous…done.  Side effects are kicking in and my poor bowels are fed up…tired of antibiotics…just tired.

Tomorrow I go to the BC Cancer Agency for a PET scan, Thursday I go to the hospital for a CT scan, September 3rd I go back to the thoracic surgeon, on the 10th I go back to the chemo doctor and on the 17th I go back to the radiologist.

I could lie and say I am strong and tough but, I am so “effing” scared.  I try not to think about it but….if this is life then I am done!  I am so tired of feeling like crap three weeks of every four…and then we are back at it again.  I am trying to be positive…nope…that is a lie…I feel so crappy that I am unable to feel positive.  I do not have the stamina to eat…more or less trying to be happy and upbeat. 

I get “so and so did this and was cured…so and so did that and was cured”…nice…glad for them.  I am not rich.  Am I supposed to take out a loan for a “miracle cure” and then what….if it doesn’t work…is Rick supposed to pay the loan off after I am gone?  Then I wonder…what if I don’t do that?  What if I don’t go into debt and try these so called “miracle cures”?

I got back on the computer again today looking up cancer facts…I still have the most aggressive kind…lung cancer is still the second biggest killer…that doesn’t give one much hope.  One option is to continue taking chemo treatments but, they are more toxic and more toxic and I don’t know how much more I can take.  This is not life.  Then I start thinking about quality of life versus quantity…I am done…I am tired but, I don’t want to die….God, I don’t want to die.

It’s easy to say “wait for the test results” but…you are not me…I am not you.  I have never, ever been this scared in my life.  So…no, I am not swimming right now….barely trying not to drown….maybe tomorrow.