Charlie…

He’s always been there…from being my brother’s best friend…to seeing him while I hung out with his older brother Vic…to being the photographer at my first wedding…to being there the day we buried my brother…to the day we buried my mother…he’s always been there.

When I was first diagnosed with cancer I tore through my Facebook friend list and cancelled a lot of people I had not seen since high school or rarely since…not sure why…maybe because I did not want a bunch of cyber hugs from people I barely knew anymore….and, partly because I guess I was angry at life.  Charlie was one of the names…his was cancelled by mistake.   I did not know about his illness until my sister mentioned it while she was visiting a couple of weeks ago.  He’s dying…did you know?  No, I didn’t know!

Charlie is a free-lance writer and has columns in Kelowna papers (Capital News and the Now for starters), plus he is an author.  I “Googled” him until I found the column about his illness…Charlie is dying…slowly of emphysema….his mother passed away due to the same thing.  In his column he writes about his life and his dreams and accomplishments.  He has a lot to be proud of and he says he can look back on them and feel blessed.  

It got me to thinking…in the dark…what about my hopes and dreams…have I accomplished all I set out to do…and the answer is “No…I haven’t”.  I wanted to travel and may not get a chance to do that.  My career choice was not what I originally wanted but, I did enjoy working for the 21 years at my last job.  I did not want a divorce under my belt but, who does!  What I have accomplished is a life filled with friends and family.  When I was a little girl I said I was going to marry a man named Rick (no surprise there…I married two of them!).  I was going to have four children…not quite…I ended up with five and it took Rick’s help by bringing three with him to our marriage and I have four grandsons and one granddaughter.

I may not have accomplished all I set out to do and that is okay.  A lot of my hopes and dreams may not be realized and that is okay.  I may not be rich in material things but, with all the blessings in my life with family and friends…I am rich!!!

I have not been crafting and I finally admitted to myself that I have been avoiding the room.  I check my emails etc. on my tablet and not on the PC.  I admit to sitting down at my desk the other day and looking around at all my tools, stamps, dies and paper etc. that I have…and not used so far.  I look at my technique books and wonder if I will get the chance to learn them.  I have so much I wanted to do but may not have the time to do them.  I look at all my stuff and I know there is no way I can leave this for Rick to clean out and I know that I will have to do it myself.  It is just too hard some days to be in this room knowing that my outcome may not be good.  I look at my stuff and I don’t see the possibilities of what I can do with them but…who should get what…how much can I sell this for…will I have time to get rid of everything?

No chemo this week…neutrophils still too low so…next week.  What this does is makes me too ill to travel and I will miss my grandsons’ birthdays…both of them….the first time I will miss them. 

We saw the chemo doctor on Tuesday and he says the cancer is shrinking…shrinking…not gone.  Then we saw the radiation doctor yesterday and again, the cancer is shrinking…not gone….neither of them said by how much.  Lung cancer is aggressive and he said they treated me aggressively with the radiation so…no more radiation as it may cause too much tissue damage.  That leaves only chemo.  Then one has to weigh quality of life against quantity of life…do I want to spend what time I have sick and flat on my back or…do I want to enjoy the time I have.  Either way…there is no telling anything right now.  I am scheduled for a CT scan to see what stage the cancer is at.  There will be no magic operation to cut it out.  I really, really hate this waiting game.  I won’t get any results until September 17th.

So…right now I am sitting in my craft room…cuz…I had to format my stupid computer… Windows update corrupted a system file and I really, really hate installing and reinstalling stupid software and trying to force Windows 8 to accept printers that are really not compatible.

What am I doing…I am set up in the family rooom painting advent calendar kits for the grandkiddies for Christmas.  I am planning on making wedding invitations for nieces and nephews… three sets of them…going to be a busy summer next year!  Number 1 son, daughter-in-law and grandson are coming tomorrow (boy am I needing some Nolan hugs), niece and hubby are dropping by for a visit tomorrow…laundry is done…house is clean…life goes on!

I get through each day by NOT thinking about it.  I shut down all thoughts (other than the blog where I can vent).  I hear Dory telling me to “Just keep swimming”…I read the hugs from my family and friends (some are in the water with me…some are wearing water wings)and I keep going.  Not sure if I am a Timex watch or an Eveready bunny…but, I am swimming!!!