Better…

Today is a better day….the choking fear is gone and slowly being replaced by numbness…I will take it!

It could be that I slept for a change or…at B.C. Cancer Agency I was led to a private room, placed into a recliner, tucked under a warm blanket and listened to a Diana Krall CD with the lights down low…while the drug raced through my system turning me radioactive for six hours.  No…I didn’t glow in the dark when I turned my lights out last night!

Today was the CT scan…done with tests…my arms are black and blue and I don’t think I have a spot from fingers to shoulders that have not been poked or drained.  My bowels finally stopped bleeding…making being nauseous and tired worse…tomorrow all the chemicals should be flushed from my system and I can start the recovery process.

I want to thank my family and friends who posted words of encouragement and…even those who did not because of respect and giving me room to breathe and come back to myself…I am on my way there.  I think when the test results are in and I again know my enemy…I will be able to take charge and fight through.

Not quite swimming yet…strongly treading water…and yes, I am not alone.  I feel you all in the water with me floating, treading…some with water wings on and some on rafts…but, with me.

Here we go….

Chemo finished on Friday…feeling so damned crappy…tired…nauseous…done.  Side effects are kicking in and my poor bowels are fed up…tired of antibiotics…just tired.

Tomorrow I go to the BC Cancer Agency for a PET scan, Thursday I go to the hospital for a CT scan, September 3rd I go back to the thoracic surgeon, on the 10th I go back to the chemo doctor and on the 17th I go back to the radiologist.

I could lie and say I am strong and tough but, I am so “effing” scared.  I try not to think about it but….if this is life then I am done!  I am so tired of feeling like crap three weeks of every four…and then we are back at it again.  I am trying to be positive…nope…that is a lie…I feel so crappy that I am unable to feel positive.  I do not have the stamina to eat…more or less trying to be happy and upbeat. 

I get “so and so did this and was cured…so and so did that and was cured”…nice…glad for them.  I am not rich.  Am I supposed to take out a loan for a “miracle cure” and then what….if it doesn’t work…is Rick supposed to pay the loan off after I am gone?  Then I wonder…what if I don’t do that?  What if I don’t go into debt and try these so called “miracle cures”?

I got back on the computer again today looking up cancer facts…I still have the most aggressive kind…lung cancer is still the second biggest killer…that doesn’t give one much hope.  One option is to continue taking chemo treatments but, they are more toxic and more toxic and I don’t know how much more I can take.  This is not life.  Then I start thinking about quality of life versus quantity…I am done…I am tired but, I don’t want to die….God, I don’t want to die.

It’s easy to say “wait for the test results” but…you are not me…I am not you.  I have never, ever been this scared in my life.  So…no, I am not swimming right now….barely trying not to drown….maybe tomorrow.

 

 

Anybody out there.....?

I see my "Total Page Views" climb like crazy (from 96,000 to 110,000) and it got me to wondering....hmmm....I know family and friends read my blog but, I can only assume that people I do not know are reading it too.  I mean, I know my family is big...but, not that big!

I guess I am wondering if I am reaching someone out there who is just as scared as I am and if I am helping in any way.  This blog is for me to vent...to think...to feel but, if I am helping someone else then I am glad.

Yesterday - the day started with labs to see if my Neutrophils were up.  Went to sit in the lounge until time for my appointment and noticed blood on my arm...not clotting.  Back to the lab for a cleanup... more pressure...another bandage....back to the lounge.  Round one of chemo yesterday...took long enough to find a vein that would work...krippeee!

While we were waiting to go in I noticed a lady with a couple of friends with her.  Not much privacy in the waiting room and I couldn't help overhearing that it was her first day of treatment and she was worrying about losing her hair.  During the number of bathroom trips (the usual..drip, drip, pee) and noticed they had her in the back corner sitting with her chemo buddies.

Treatment took so long and Rick needs to eat on time so...we decided to stop at the restaurant in the hospital.  I noticed her sitting outside of Starbuck's and...I had to stop and talk to her.  I told her going bald was no big deal (I had taken my hat off when I got into the hospital).  She said that she noticed I was rocking the bald head...she also said she bought a wig for this.  I told her I had a number of them and just couldn't be bothered wearing one.  She asked what cancer I had and I told her lung...she mentioned she had breast cancer and during a follow up CT scan they found ovarian cancer and so she had gone from being the chemo buddy for her friend to being the one who needed the chemo buddy.  We showed each other our good luck charms and then we wished each other well and went on our way. 

Today, I go back for chemo and this time I am going to ask if I can find out when her name is and when her next chemo is set up for...I would love to go visit and see if she is rocking the bald head...she could probably use some cheering up about that time too. 

So, getting ready to head back to the hospital for round 2 and I am swimming.

Charlie…

He’s always been there…from being my brother’s best friend…to seeing him while I hung out with his older brother Vic…to being the photographer at my first wedding…to being there the day we buried my brother…to the day we buried my mother…he’s always been there.

When I was first diagnosed with cancer I tore through my Facebook friend list and cancelled a lot of people I had not seen since high school or rarely since…not sure why…maybe because I did not want a bunch of cyber hugs from people I barely knew anymore….and, partly because I guess I was angry at life.  Charlie was one of the names…his was cancelled by mistake.   I did not know about his illness until my sister mentioned it while she was visiting a couple of weeks ago.  He’s dying…did you know?  No, I didn’t know!

Charlie is a free-lance writer and has columns in Kelowna papers (Capital News and the Now for starters), plus he is an author.  I “Googled” him until I found the column about his illness…Charlie is dying…slowly of emphysema….his mother passed away due to the same thing.  In his column he writes about his life and his dreams and accomplishments.  He has a lot to be proud of and he says he can look back on them and feel blessed.  

It got me to thinking…in the dark…what about my hopes and dreams…have I accomplished all I set out to do…and the answer is “No…I haven’t”.  I wanted to travel and may not get a chance to do that.  My career choice was not what I originally wanted but, I did enjoy working for the 21 years at my last job.  I did not want a divorce under my belt but, who does!  What I have accomplished is a life filled with friends and family.  When I was a little girl I said I was going to marry a man named Rick (no surprise there…I married two of them!).  I was going to have four children…not quite…I ended up with five and it took Rick’s help by bringing three with him to our marriage and I have four grandsons and one granddaughter.

I may not have accomplished all I set out to do and that is okay.  A lot of my hopes and dreams may not be realized and that is okay.  I may not be rich in material things but, with all the blessings in my life with family and friends…I am rich!!!

I have not been crafting and I finally admitted to myself that I have been avoiding the room.  I check my emails etc. on my tablet and not on the PC.  I admit to sitting down at my desk the other day and looking around at all my tools, stamps, dies and paper etc. that I have…and not used so far.  I look at my technique books and wonder if I will get the chance to learn them.  I have so much I wanted to do but may not have the time to do them.  I look at all my stuff and I know there is no way I can leave this for Rick to clean out and I know that I will have to do it myself.  It is just too hard some days to be in this room knowing that my outcome may not be good.  I look at my stuff and I don’t see the possibilities of what I can do with them but…who should get what…how much can I sell this for…will I have time to get rid of everything?

No chemo this week…neutrophils still too low so…next week.  What this does is makes me too ill to travel and I will miss my grandsons’ birthdays…both of them….the first time I will miss them. 

We saw the chemo doctor on Tuesday and he says the cancer is shrinking…shrinking…not gone.  Then we saw the radiation doctor yesterday and again, the cancer is shrinking…not gone….neither of them said by how much.  Lung cancer is aggressive and he said they treated me aggressively with the radiation so…no more radiation as it may cause too much tissue damage.  That leaves only chemo.  Then one has to weigh quality of life against quantity of life…do I want to spend what time I have sick and flat on my back or…do I want to enjoy the time I have.  Either way…there is no telling anything right now.  I am scheduled for a CT scan to see what stage the cancer is at.  There will be no magic operation to cut it out.  I really, really hate this waiting game.  I won’t get any results until September 17th.

So…right now I am sitting in my craft room…cuz…I had to format my stupid computer… Windows update corrupted a system file and I really, really hate installing and reinstalling stupid software and trying to force Windows 8 to accept printers that are really not compatible.

What am I doing…I am set up in the family rooom painting advent calendar kits for the grandkiddies for Christmas.  I am planning on making wedding invitations for nieces and nephews… three sets of them…going to be a busy summer next year!  Number 1 son, daughter-in-law and grandson are coming tomorrow (boy am I needing some Nolan hugs), niece and hubby are dropping by for a visit tomorrow…laundry is done…house is clean…life goes on!

I get through each day by NOT thinking about it.  I shut down all thoughts (other than the blog where I can vent).  I hear Dory telling me to “Just keep swimming”…I read the hugs from my family and friends (some are in the water with me…some are wearing water wings)and I keep going.  Not sure if I am a Timex watch or an Eveready bunny…but, I am swimming!!!