Today I met my friends for coffee and cookies at my favorite craft store...being greeted by hugs from everyone (they read my blogs). It was sort of weird...touching on the subject...not touching on the subject and it ended up a relatively peaceful and calm day...until I was leaving.
I got into conversation with Iris and I started losing it. Up to that point, I have been numbish and it was certainly there in the back of my mind...but, not...do you know what I mean? God came up in the conversation and I mentioned that I was angry and she told me it was okay to tell him, "He can take it". That was a weight lifted and as soon as I left the store I started crying and I laid into God as I was driving down the road.
I told him how pissed off I was...no, how fricken angry I was at him for doing this. I didn't deserve this and I had earned better from him. I survived a tough childhood he gave me, I survived the rough teenage period he gave me, I survived a lousy, rotten, abusive marriage. I survived...at times, trying very hard not to think, "no thanks to you". I remarried, I retired, life was starting to be fun. We were busy with kids and grandkids, we were no longer struggling financially, we were busy with friends... traveling and camping (ok...RVing). I survived the first round of cancer treatment.
We were planning a dream vacation...then I got nailed with the first diagnosis. All the doctors told me I would still be going on the Panama cruise...NOT! Iris said it was okay to ask for what you want and I told him I want to live....I do not want to die. I want to grow old with Rick. I want to see my kids and watch our grandchildren grow up...I have too much I want to see and do. I want more time! I have earned more time!
After supper...sitting and listening to the news on the TV, I picked up my tablet and "googled" "how to beat stage 4 lung cancer". I guess God was listening and he directed my web search...because Paul Kalanithi (chief resident in neurological surgery at Stanford University) wrote an article and it came up..."How Long Have I Got Left". I highly recommend anyone reading the article. He was diagnosed at age 36 with stage 4 lung cancer. Well written and informative article and I got a lot out of it.
One thing: 'Life expectancy' and statistics (which are dire and I have done my best to stay away from)....everyone responds to treatment differently...there are inroads every day in treatment. Hell, when Rick's brother passed away five years ago from lung cancer there was no Etoposide or Cisplatin (my chemo treatments). Who knows what will be there in the next two years! Besides...someone has to be in the small percentage of survivors and I am going to be one of them!
Second thing: Samuel Beckett, an author I had heard about but, never read anything of...seven words that spoke to Paul and resonated through me, (I can't go on, I'll go on).
Third thing: Hope. Hope I will survive...hope that in the dark of night and I am alone and scared, God will carry me.
So...my world is no longer spinning...just slightly wobbling. I am swimming and I will go on!